The Virtue of Good Treatment and Affection in Islam

It isn’t unusual to describe “good treatment and affection” as one of the most significant and crucial reasons for the stability of homes.

This characteristic is adorned by the faithful and wise woman, who earns reward and elevation in both this world and the Hereafter.

This beautiful trait is a remedy for most family issues and serves as a strong safeguard against the collapse of familial structures.

Therefore, the early generations paid great attention to it, to the extent that it was one of the first things a girl learned before marriage.

Good treatment was taught to girls along with other essential knowledge for managing their homes and raising their children, even before the advent of Islam.

This indicates that it is an innate requirement in marital relationships and a cornerstone of marital happiness!

Unfortunately, in our time, we often witness good treatment and affection in public spaces, while poor treatment and neglect occur behind the walls of homes.

This is a result of the distortion of concepts and the disregard for the commands and prohibitions of Allah, leading to disastrous consequences!

What is Good Treatment and Affection?:

Ibn Manzur, in his dictionary *Lisan al-Arab*, defines: “A woman with good treatment is one who is obedient and affectionate towards her husband.

In the hadith of Asma’ al-Ashalīya, ‘If you treat your husbands well’ means treating them well in marriage and companionship. ‘Al-ba’l’ and ‘al-tibāl’ refer to good treatment between spouses.”

In the hadith: “Shall I not inform you of the women who are of Paradise? They are those who are affectionate, prolific, and devoted to their husbands. If she causes or suffers harm, she will come to her husband, take his hand, and say, ‘By Allah, I will not close my eyes until you are pleased.’”

‘Al-‘awad’ refers to one who returns benefits to her husband.

‘The affectionate’ refers to someone who is characterized by good manners and kindness towards her husband.

The Status of Good Treatment and Affection in Islam:

Allah Almighty says which can be transleted as: “(O Muhammad SAW): “Who has forbidden the adoration with clothes given by Allah, which He has produced for his slaves, and At-Taiyibat [all kinds of Halal (lawful) things] of food?” Say: “They are, in the life of this world, for those who believe, (and) exclusively for them (believers) on the Day of Resurrection (the disbelievers will not share them).” Thus We explain the Ayat (Islamic laws) in detail for people who have knowledge”

[Surah Al-A’raf: 32].

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “The best women are those who please their husbands when they look at them, obey them when they command, and don’t contradict them in themselves or their wealth regarding what they dislike.”

Hussain ibn Muhsin (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that his aunt came to the Prophet (peace be upon him).

He asked her, “Are you married?” She replied, “Yes.”

He asked, “How are you with your husband?” She said, “I do not neglect him except what I am unable to do.” He said, “How you are with him will determine whether he is your paradise or hellfire.”

Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts her month [of Ramadan], guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, she may enter from whichever door of Paradise she wishes.”

The Prophet (peace be upon him) also said: “The world is a provision, and the best provision of it is a righteous woman.”

In another hadith, he said: “The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best among you to my family.”

Ibn Taymiyyah (may Allah have mercy on him) explained the meaning of the verse: “Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and their husbands) and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard” [Surah An-Nisa: 34]. He stated that this verse necessitates a wife’s absolute obedience to her husband in matters such as serving him, traveling with him, and allowing him access to her, as demonstrated by the teachings of the Prophet (peace be upon him) in various traditions, including the Hadiths of the “Red Mountain” and “Prostration.” Just as obedience to parents is obligatory and parents are not required to obey their children, the wife’s obedience is due to the marital contract, while obedience to parents is due to the bonds of kinship.

Based on these noble meanings, the homes of the Companions (may Allah be pleased with them) and the righteous predecessors were established.

Their competition was for the pleasure of Allah and for attaining reward and virtue, not for gaining personal or worldly benefits that could destroy the home.

A Great Example!

One of the stories that greatly impresses me about the Companions (may Allah be pleased with them) when discussing good treatment and affection is the story of Umm Sulaym (may Allah be pleased with her).

Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated:

When the son of Abu Talhah from Umm Sulaym died, she said to her family, “Don’t tell Abu Talhah about his son until I tell him myself.”

She then prepared dinner for him, and when he ate and drank, she adorned herself in the best way she had ever done before.

After he was satisfied, she asked him: “O Abu Talhah, if a group of people had lent some items to a family and then asked for them back, would they have the right to refuse?” He said, “No.” She then said, “So, consider your son as a loan and have patience.”

He was angered and said, “You left me until I had relations with you and then told me about my son!” He went to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and informed him of what had happened.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “May Allah bless both of you in the remainder of your night.” Umm Sulaym then became pregnant, and when the Prophet (peace be upon him) returned from a journey, he didn’t enter the city unexpectedly.

As they neared the city, Umm Sulaym went into labor.

Abu Talhah stayed behind with her, and the Prophet (peace be upon him) went on.

Abu Talhah said: “O my Lord, You know that I like to go out with Your Messenger when he goes out and to enter with him when he enters, and I am held back by what you see.” Umm Sulaym said: “O Abu Talhah, I do not find what I used to find.

Go, and we went.” When they arrived, she gave birth to a boy.

Her mother said to me, “O Anas, don’t let anyone nurse him until you take him to the Prophet (peace be upon him).”

In the morning, I carried the baby to the Prophet (peace be upon him).

I found him with a mizwak (a teeth-cleaning stick).

When he saw me, he said: “Perhaps Umm Sulaym has given birth?” I replied, “Yes.”

He put aside the mizwak, took the child, and placed him on his lap.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) asked for a date from the dates of Madinah, chewed it until it was soft, then placed it in the child’s mouth.

The child began to suck on it.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Look at the love of the Ansar for dates.”

He then wiped the child’s face and named him Abdullah.

According to a narration in Sahih Bukhari, a man from the Ansar said: “I saw that they had nine children, all of whom had memorized the Qur’an.”

May Allah reward Umm Sulaym, who provided a great lesson in understanding and insight.

Her trust in Allah was rewarded magnificently in this world and the Hereafter.

She demonstrated how a righteous wife prioritizes her husband even in the face of losing a beloved child, and as a result of her selflessness, Allah granted her nine children who were among the people of the Qur’an. Those who are miserly are only being miserly with themselves.

– Is It an Acquired Trait?

We must clarify the nature of these traits.

For some women, these qualities are natural, embedded in their nature and temperament without any effort on their part; they manifest automatically and are not necessarily related to piety.

However, these traits can also be acquired through cultivating them, developing oneself in accordance with them, and teaching them to one’s daughters.

They may also be influenced by positive companionship or an environment that values such qualities.

They are fundamental for a husband, as marriage fundamentally represents an emotional fulfillment sought by both partners.

If this emotional connection is missing, it leads to estrangement, darkness in hearts and homes, and the relationship is quickly strained by the first challenge.

 Examples of Good Conjugal Behavior and Affection:

Good conjugal behavior and affection are not difficult or complicated tasks. It simply involves kind words, compliments, and praise—saying to a man what every man wants to hear! This shows him respect, strengthens his masculinity, and makes him feel his position as the man of the house.

Good conjugal behavior and affection are nothing more than the woman’s radiant appearance, dressed elegantly and cleanly, wearing clothes that delight her husband’s eyes, and wearing attractive perfume.

Jewelry is used for adornment, highlighting her femininity.

Allah Almighty says which can be transleted as, “(Do they then like for Allah) a creature who is brought up in adornments (wearing silk and gold ornaments, i.e. women), and in dispute cannot make herself clear?”

[Qur’an, Az-Zukhruf: 18].

This does not mean adorning oneself with expensive metals; whatever is available is sufficient to make a difference!

Good conjugal behavior and affection are simply the touches of femininity in her home—creating a pleasant scene that pleases the husband and softens his heart.

This is accompanied by good manners in service and interaction, using phrases that make his heart blossom, with love devoid of resentment, remembering the good and overlooking the bad.

The wise woman accompanies her husband to the door when he leaves and does not let him leave without being pleased with her and joyful because of her.

These are moments her husband will never forget.

The more a wife elevates her husband above others, the more she gains his attention and love.

At the very least, she will receive his appreciation and gratitude, and he will not neglect her.

A wise woman looks after her husband in his presence and absence. She welcomes him when he enters the house and bids him farewell when he leaves, never allowing household chores to distract her from this task. Her smile is the first and last thing he sees!

It is well-known that warm welcomes and farewells greatly strengthen a man’s resolve. Meeting his needs is also important; it is unbecoming of a dignified woman to let her husband go hungry in her home, even if she has to prepare a simple meal from what little she has.

Nor should he lack peaceful sleep due to the absence of a comfortable environment for a man exhausted from a long day!

These small, simple details, which a woman pays close attention to, are what turn a house into a paradise, making it a home, a refuge, and a kingdom of happiness! It’s important to avoid conflicts during times when the man is tired or burdened; a sensible woman does not bring up issues during meals, before sleep, or during illness, or any other time when patience is low.

This is how a woman earns her place in a man’s heart. She should also avoid raising topics that have been settled or things that she knows annoy him, or anything that removes blessings, like gossip, extravagance, or injustice!

This does not mean she should be a statue, unaffected by harm. Rather, she should maintain good manners when expressing her concerns, and constructive dialogue remains the best solution during conflicts, adhering to what pleases Allah for blessing and safety.

Living together with kindness means that the good behavior and affection a woman shows are her assets for when conflicts arise; they forgive all mistakes, excuse her for her errors, and mend every break.

She builds a foundation of trust with her sincerity and good intentions from the start, so she does not struggle when difficulties arise.

This is what a benevolent woman feels when a problem occurs, because she has an account that follows the principle that Allah meantioned in the Quran, which means:

“Is there any reward for good other than good?”

[Qur’an, Ar-Rahman: 60].

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was asked about the best of women. He said, “She who pleases him when he looks at her, obeys him when he orders her, and guards herself and his property when he is absent.” And he also said, “There is no obedience to the creation in disobedience to the Creator. Obedience is only in what is good.”

Moreover, good conjugal behavior and affection involve giving gifts, paying attention to what the husband likes, whether it is food, clothing, or household habits.

Good conjugal behavior means bringing joy to her husband by raising their children properly, maintaining the house in his absence, and addressing issues when he is not around, easing his burdens, and lightening his worries.

If we think about the neglected husband who enters his house feeling upset and leaves it feeling worried, then sees women in the streets displaying themselves for a cheap price, with their fragrant perfumes—his heart would burn with grief!

What is the use of a lawful marriage that does not fulfill the needs of the man and woman? What is the use of a lawful marriage that does not fulfill the wishes of a bachelor?

It isn’t impossible for a woman to build a strong relationship with her husband with just a little affection and good conjugal behavior.

Hearts are naturally inclined to love kindness and attention, and life is about creating enjoyable memories and cherishing moments of love and affection.

In reality, it is enough for a woman to fully embrace her femininity to be loving and kind to her husband.

A woman who rejects her femininity, becomes overly masculine, or strays from the path of good women will struggle greatly because a home is built on the complementarity of man and woman, not on conflict, competition, or malice, which destroy love! Be a woman for him, and he will be a man for you!

Examples from the Wisdom of the Past:

A wise woman lives according to what Allah commands, seeking the pleasure of her Lord.

She is certain that the good treatment, kindness, and preservation of her husband’s rights elevate her in both this world and the hereafter.

Alia bint Al-Mahdi (the sister of Abbasid Caliph Harun al-Rashid) was “devoted to prayer, always in the prayer niche and reading the Quran.

She used to adorn herself and say: ‘Allah has not forbidden anything but that He has provided a lawful alternative for it, so what does the sinner need?’”

History tells us that one day Shurayh met Al-Sha’bi, who asked him about his home life.

Shurayh replied, “For twenty years, I have not seen anything from my family that would anger me.” Al-Sha’bi asked, “How is that?” Shurayh said, “From the first night I entered upon my wife, I saw in her an astonishing beauty and a rare charm.

I thought to myself, ‘Let me purify myself and pray two rak’ahs in gratitude to Allah.’

When I finished, I found my wife praying with my prayer and concluding with my conclusion. When the house was empty of guests and friends, I approached her and extended my hand toward her.

She said, ‘Take it easy, Abu Umayyah, as you are,’ and then said: ‘Praise be to Allah, I praise Him and seek His help, and I send blessings upon Muhammad and his family.

I’m a stranger to you with no knowledge of your character, so tell me what you like, and I will do it, and what you dislike, and I will avoid it. There were men in your tribe who could have married me, and women in my tribe who were suitable for you, but when Allah decrees a matter, it must come to pass.

You have taken possession of me, so do as Allah has commanded you: Retain me with honor or release me with kindness. I say this and ask Allah’s forgiveness for me and for you.’

Shurayh said, ‘By Allah, Al-Sha’bi, she made me deliver a sermon in that very spot. I said: Praise be to Allah, I praise Him and seek His help, and I send blessings upon the Prophet and his family.

To proceed, you have spoken words which, if you remain true to them, will be a credit to you, but if you fail to uphold them, they will be held against you.

I love such and such, and I dislike such and such.

If you see good, spread it, and if you see evil, conceal it.’ She asked, ‘How do you feel about my visiting my family?’ I said, ‘I don’t want my in-laws to get bored of me.’

She asked, ‘Who do you like among your neighbors to be allowed into your house?’ I said, ‘The sons of so-and-so are good people, but the sons of so-and-so are bad people.’

Shurayh said, ‘I spent the happiest night with her and lived with her for a year seeing only what I loved.

Then, at the end of the year, I came home from my court, and found her mother in the house. I turned to her and asked: How did you find your wife? I said, ‘The best of wives.’

She said, ‘Abu Umayyah, a woman is in her worst state in two situations: When she gives birth to a boy, or when she gains favor with her husband.

By Allah, men have not had anything worse in their homes than a spoiled woman.

So, discipline as you wish and guide as you wish to guide.’ I stayed with her for twenty years and never blamed her for anything except once, and I was the wrongdoer.”

– In Conclusion:

Reflect on this advice, which never grows old in its wisdom, insight, and depth of experience: Umama bint Al-Harith advised her daughter when she was about to be married:

“O my daughter, had the advise been left for high courtesy or nobility, I would not have advised you. Rather it is a reminder for the

unaware and an admonition for the wise.

If any woman could have dispensed with the need for a husband due to the wealth of her parents and their strong need for her, you would be the most deserving to do so.

But women were created for men, and men were created for women.

my dear daughter, you have left your home, the place from which you came, and your nest where you grew up, to a nest you are not familiar with and a companion you do not know. Be like a servant to him, and he will be like a servant to you. Preserve for him ten qualities, and he will be a treasure for you.

The first and the second qualities are: companionship with contentment and living with good listening and obedience.

As for the third and fourth: ensure that his eyes see only what is pleasing and his nose smells only the most delightful scents. The best adornment is kohl, and the finest fragrance is clean water and soap.

Regarding the fifth and sixth: be attentive to his mealtime and maintain quiet during his sleep. The heat of hunger is burning, and disturbing sleep is distressing.

And for the seventh and eighth: take care of his home and his wealth, and look after his well-being and his family.

As for the ninth and tenth: do not disobey his commands and do not reveal his secrets. If you disobey him, you will provoke his anger, and if you reveal his secrets, you cannot be sure of his loyalty. After that, avoid being happy when he is sad and being sad when he is happy. The former shows neglect, and the latter causes distress. The more you respect him, the more he will honor you. You will achieve this by prioritizing his happiness over yours and his desires over your desires, whether you like it or not. May Allah bring you good, and I entrust you to Allah’s care.”

This insightful advice gathers all the keys to a husband’s heart. The successful woman is the one who follows it with love for goodness, seeking reward, wisdom, and understanding. Whoever humbles herself before Allah, Allah will elevate her! And whoever withholds, only withholds from herself.

There is a stark difference between the sincere counsel of believers and the deceitful counsel of hypocrites!”

Thus, she was taken and entrusted to him, and her status grew in his eyes, and she bore him seven kings who ruled Yemen after him.

The last point I want to mention, though the topic deserves more elaboration and detail, is that some readers might wonder why I do not remind husbands of good companionship, kindness, and affection.

I say, the equation that no believing woman will lose with is to fulfill her duties without expecting anything in return.

She does what she does for the sake of Allah, not expecting compensation from her husband.

The covenant is with Allah, Almighty.

If the husband is noble and generous by nature, she will gain all the good and will find herself in a situation akin to, “If you honor the noble, you possess him.”

There will be no need for accounting, nor counting, nor harm.

However, if he has bad manners and is lacking in resolve and empathy, she has offered him a life lesson in high aspiration, self-respect, and generous companionship.

If she leaves him one day, he will have nothing to criticize her for, and if he corrects his ways, she will have played a significant role in his rectitude.

She is the winner in all cases, even if she is hurt by bad behavior and treatment!

Therefore, O Muslim woman, don’t keep counting the good deeds and kindness you offer. Instead, have faith and be content that you have a Lord who knows the secrets and what is even more hidden, who is well aware and observant of His servants.

Think well of Him, and you will see nothing but good, victory, and success!

I advise every Muslim woman, no matter how ill-mannered your husband might be, do not give him a chance to accuse you of negligence in this matter — the matter of good companionship and affection — as it has a significant effect on reconciliation. Even if everything breaks down and each goes their separate way, he will have no choice but to be grateful for every minute he spent with you in good times. And if Allah reconciles the matters between you, then you will be in a great blessing and a good state!

And Allah is our protector, the best protector and the best helper.

Original article

حسن التبعل والتودد من الإيمان