The phobia of marrying a committed man

Today I will not present a summary of the consultations, which did not differ from the rest of the weeks in the diversity of their topics, but I will focus on one topic that had the largest percentage of consultations. It is a very important topic in our time. It is the topic of “the phobia of marrying a committed man.”

Many women perceive marrying a religiously committed man not only as a “grave” constraint on their freedom but rather as a threat to their ambitions and future marital prospects. When we examine the origin of these concerns, we find that they are rooted in very legitimate demands that favor women.

The committed man seeks a wife devoted to her house, who maintains modest attire, such as a hijab/niqab, preserving her dignity and respecting his ghayrah. He desires her to uphold the values of modesty and avoid unnecessary mingling, prioritizing her commitment to building a family.

However, in contrast, we find interpretations that divert these noble demands from their intended purposes and legitimacy. The call for staying at home transforms into a “prison,” “silencing,” and “shattering the wife’s future.” The emphasis on avoiding mingling and wearing the veil becomes perceived as strictness, while dedicating oneself to family life is labeled as regressive and backward.

The reality is the result of years of media bombardment and decades of injecting women with the dimensions of capitalism. To the extent that the mere idea of staying at home becomes a nightmare for some, as if they are in a prison—though it is, in reality, the prison of the heart. An inspired woman transforms her home into a kingdom, illuminated by the lights of guidance, knowledge, generosity, and selflessness. But when hearts constrict, so do visions and homes.

Women must carefully consider when a man approaches, seeking her staying at home. He isn’t asking for financial support or demanding her departure to misery; rather, he aims to empower and honor her within her own home. Is there any recompense for kindness other than kindness? And, does it make sense to build a woman’s future on the ruins of her family?

The family project cannot be marginal in marriage; either a woman enters it with complete sincerity and dedication or steps aside!

Those who strive to scare women away from marrying a committed man, the so-called “frighteners,” will eventually become the worst of people when women are deprived of a warm family and integration with a righteous husband who guides them to eternal abodes. Because they will be remembered with full regret and pain.

We are facing a daunting problem: the problem of “identity loss.” As long as Muslim women have not yet realized their worth and noble roles in life, as long as they have not grasped the meaning of the future in the project of marriage, as long as they do not yet comprehend what a man as a leader and a Muslim family signify, they will continue to live in a circle of confusion and chaos.

Hence, we have girls abstaining from marriage, others trembling at the idea of marrying a committed man, and some delaying the project until it becomes a mere “was” in the future.

A piece of advice I offer to every girl approached by a man who aims to build her family upon the principles of Shariah: Regardless of his background, do not reject someone inviting you towards what is in your righteousness and well-being. Do not cast suspicion where there is good faith, and do not exchange what is lesser for what is better.

Instead of entering a marital relationship with a thousand doubts, suspicions, and post-divorce calculations, try entering it with a thousand strategies and ideas. Work to win your husband’s heart, build a stable family, and neutralize every reason for divorce. Enter your married life with determination and sincerity, ensuring success and support!
So, choose for yourself a husband who respects you as a queen or a husband who treats you as a partner!

I find it important to present inspiring projects for women within the home, guiding them on how to turn their homes into kingdoms, factories, and fortresses of goodness—rather than the constant complaints whenever the topic of staying at home arises. Unfortunately, we lack role models and blessed examples in a time dominated by the love of wealth and the embellishments of the world. The highest aspirations of Muslim women have become a job and a salary!

In light of the above, some justify their fear of such a marriage by “dreading that the proclaimed commitment may be hollow, conflicting with his religious beliefs and statements in contrast to his actions.” This objection is valid if it is not accompanied by concerns about staying at home, modest attire, and dedication to the family. Objecting to these established values in the well-being of Muslim societies indicates that the girl has not yet realized that these values are unchanging and unaffected by whether the husband’s commitment is deemed “hollow.”

The matter of staying at home, modesty, and covering, along with all that relates to the demands endorsed by divine Sharia, has become a source of contemporary concerns. These concerns persist not merely due to the possibility that a husband may conceal a different nature than what he presents. Therefore, we find some girls unhesitant to accept religiously uncommitted men, arguing that they fear and doubt the suitor whose commitment might be deceptiveunder the pretext that they harbor fear and apprehension that the man’s commitment may be deceptive. This is a product of personal desires!

She prefers to marry a seemingly non-religious man rather than someone who outwardly displays righteousness. Her justification is the suspicion about the sincerity that can only be verified after marriage.

Once again, we encounter a problem with deep-seated convictions in the hearts. It is not enough to acknowledge the importance of staying at home, the necessity of adhering to religious attire, and the duty of complete dedication to the family project. We must genuinely believe that this is what is required and obligatory.

Therefore, this demand should not become a source of fears in the heart of a believer because she knows that marriage is a test of sincerity, a solemn covenant, and a pledge with Allah. She aligns herself as commanded by Allah, and the outcomes are not her concern. Being cautious doesn’t change fate, and what misses you wasn’t meant to reach you. And Allah knows best.

Translated by: Hamza Al Āthārī